Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.