Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too