As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye