Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.