As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
You Might Also Like
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
A Short Story.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*