As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no