As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Green is just blue that someone peed in
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??