As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Sharon I have some bad news
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.