Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

seriously you guys

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”