Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

same but as an audience member

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

yeah not falling for this one

Mhm.

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Very good news from my accountant

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.