Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.