As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Same post same
Des Moines Police having a normal one
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around