As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
🤣🤣
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: