As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
The best plant holders?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.