as the prophecy foretold
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.