as the prophecy foretold
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airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Sorry. Not sorry
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.