as the prophecy foretold
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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house