as the prophecy foretold
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Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Meow
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house