Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Pikachu found the lost joint

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?