Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

pictures of spider-man

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.