As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
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Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Smooooooth
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money