Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!