As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
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Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet