As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
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if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore