Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*