As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
i guess his teacher was really pissed
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.