As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, don’t forget to send your thoughts and prayers to all those husbands out there who have no idea it’s coming up this week.
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Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
who’s gonna tell her?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
On the occasion of your daughter’s christening, please accept my congratulations and this large jar of pickled eggs.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
#dnd #ttrpg
