As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, don’t forget to send your thoughts and prayers to all those husbands out there who have no idea it’s coming up this week.
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it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
why am I working on Labor Day
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
how much for the angry fruit?
