Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

This classic never gets old . . .

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.