As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
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Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?