As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Sponch
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
May never get over this
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
