As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
You Might Also Like
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
