Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

Hawk o the mornin tuah

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?