Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

#Thanos #MondayMood

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own