As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”