As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
You Might Also Like
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
