As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.