As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.