As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
True freaking story!
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces