As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder