As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
is this a warning or an offer?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store