As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
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My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.