As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
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[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…