As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons