Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake