As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.