As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My blood type is b hungry.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
