Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

A choir of Spring onions

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

I’m literally crying