Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor