as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.