as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
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*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
OH. COME. ON.
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.