As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass