As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!