As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
FRED: right
That time Alicia messaged me
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”