As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
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Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
you’re not fooling anyone
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.