As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
You Might Also Like
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables