As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
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(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.