@FunkyFresh_79
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
@JermHimselfish
As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”
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@FunkyFresh_79
@CruisinSoozan
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
@Megatronic13
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
@TheBoydP
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
@theB6Chronicles
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
@jess_stratton
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
@SlipCarefully
Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can’t stab people anymore.
@MissHavisham
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
@notbedelia
911: what’s your emergency?
M: I’m out of ketchup.
911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.
M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK
@cakickboxher
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me