Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can’t stab people anymore.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
911: what’s your emergency?
M: I’m out of ketchup.
911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.
M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me