@JermHimselfish

As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”

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@FunkyFresh_79

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

@CruisinSoozan

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

@Megatronic13

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

@TheBoydP

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

@theB6Chronicles

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

@SlipCarefully

Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can’t stab people anymore.

@MissHavisham

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

@notbedelia

911: what’s your emergency?

M: I’m out of ketchup.

911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.

M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK

@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me