as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons