as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
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*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful