as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
You Might Also Like
remember
only for emergencies
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My dog learned how to text
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
#MeanwhileinCanada
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.