as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Oh we’ve met.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.