as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
is this meant to deter me
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.