Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it