As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?