As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
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I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo