Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Well, shit

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap