as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.