As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings