As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
road rage
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
When news reporters do sports stories
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Worth a try
