As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.