As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Mountain Goat : )
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.