As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
A great tip. #CakeRex
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.