Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

🤔😂😂

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

I have no idea what she’s talking about.