As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”