As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
i baked you a cake
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
What my back needs
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic