As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Why do meteors always land in craters?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.