As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Saturday
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Bless you
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.